I Am Not Sure Where I Stand.

Having lived in NZ now for a very long time I sometimes wonder if I have lost my identity of an Indian as there are some prime Indian psyche’s that I no longer identify with but then there are prime kiwi psyches that I do not identify with either. On the other hand I completely understand an Indian mind from a white mind’s perspective and I also understand a white mind from an Indian mind’s standpoint.

I understand when some of my kiwi friends laugh at the ridiculousness of some of the things we do as Indians and I also understand when my Indian friends roll their eyes up in their disapproval of white people way of living,

I understand my emotional need to be in crowd and yet I also now know the meaning of space- how to give and how to be,

I understand the how the psyche of a temple bell is different to a church bell and yet I also understand how very similar,

I can relate to the taste of Gol gappas in my mouth and I also relate to the taste of quiche or kiwi salad,

I can relate to going to pub and ‘shouting’ drink for my kiwi friends and I can relate to going with my Indian friends fighting over who will pay the bill at the counter,

 I understand my white friend  going to a meeting just because there is food provided and I also understand Indian friends not eating even when there is food around( hum koi bhookeh hain?),

 I understand that  chips and biscuits are called food in white culture where as food in Indian culture is a complete plate of curries, rice, roti, onion and dessert,

 I understand that sense of humor is a very important part of any presentation to put any point across in a meeting here in west and I also understand  the tedious very intense,  kind of boring presentation in Indian meetings and why these are that way,

 I understand the need to wear jewelry in an Indian party right down to 20 bangles in each hand and ear rings that literally tearing ear lobe apart and I understand the over dressing sense of a white mind with even a single pearl string being too much, 
and since it is about dressing I understand how Indian mind see white always under dressed and I also understand how whites see  Indians uptight about their wearing and dressing with a mismatch of sindhoor and mangal sutra over pants and shirts that look more like salwaar kameez than a western outfit

 I understand the sunny weekends spent by Indians in washing clothes and of whites in going out to beach,

 I understand why my white friends eat at 6 pm and then booze the whole night and puke and I understand Indian friend who drink till there is no space left in stomach and then eat and puke( how similar!),

I also understand that most white or Indians are amazing parents, yet whites are more free with their children’s lack of focus and are more carefree with what their children choose for their career choices-  artist, radio jockey, dancer  whereas Indians are very tight with what they want their children to become  and no matter what they will make sure that their children either be doctors or engineers,

 I understand my heart when it beats to songs of Kishore Kumar and yet my feet also dance to  the latest beat Uptown Funk by Bruno mars,

 I understand the obsession of an Indian mind to white skin and I understand the seduction that white feel with Indian religion and culture – a romanticism ideology that they want to be part of- I understand all of this.

And I also understand that emotionally we are same- not similar but same, that we are as fearful of death, as distraught as other when a tragedy hits, as helping as other and yet as political as other, as territorial as other, as racist as other, as happy, sad, angry, joyful as other with our own biases and prejudices and with the way that we have been brought up. I understand in depth about east and west and yet I am not sure if I belong here or there. In my heart I am always an Indian first and yet in my mannerism I am neither a white nor an Indian. I also understand that where ever we Indians can we talk about the Glory of India and its rich cultural heritage and force our white friends to listen to our passionate love for our country( I being one of them haha) and yet when we are in India we sing praises of the land we live in making Indians think that we have switched sides and are traitors. 

So either I am like ‘dhobi ka ____ na ghar ka na ghat ka situation” or I am so wide in my spectrum of how I have experienced both worlds that I have no mannerism identity to be designated as either Indian or white.

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I am not sure where I stand :)